Roses are sometimes pink.
Violets aren’t always the same shade of blue.
And life isn’t always what we thought it would be.

Last night two of my closest friends from high school promised to love and cherish one another before death do they part and I couldn’t be more excited for the new chapter of their lives.

I had the privilege of standing beside Mel (the bride) as her maid of honor and it was not at all what I thought it would be. If you asked her, (and she answered honestly) she might tell you that I let her down and that I didn’t really fulfill the role she asked me to play in the biggest day of her life. And she would be right.

When she asked me to be her maid of honor in December or January, I was preparing to leave for Italy for my final semester of Bible college so we both knew that I would be absent for a large portion of the major planning months. Regardless, she was gracious and trusting enough to honor me with the role and I wanted nothing more than to be the best maid of honor possible. We started planning and excitedly discussing details. I wanted to get all of the basics straightened out for the bridal shower and the bachelorette party before I left so I didn’t have much time and ended up leaving most of the actual planning to the other bridesmaids who really stepped it up and totally supported Mel while I was away. They were truly amazing and I am so grateful that Mel had people who could give her what I couldn’t.

It was really difficult to still be a part of the wedding planning while I was in Italy and I just withdrew. I rarely talked to Mel at all, we skyped maybe once, and I showed her through my actions that I really wasn’t interested as long as I wasn’t there, but in reality, I was just trying to juggle too many things. I couldn’t be there for the little things and I didn’t want to stress about tiny details that I had no control over. My life was so different that it was almost like wedding stuff didn’t really apply to me and I was too busy with school to really put much effort toward the wedding.
This was detrimental.
It was like I had left a gap that had quickly been filled by the other girls, but when I got home, there wasn’t room for me next to Mel anymore, it felt like my place was on the outskirts where I had seated myself for the three months I was away.
The funny thing about friendship is that it is so unbelievably fragile and it needs to be protected, but instead of protecting mine I had neglected it and though I still held the title of “maid of honor,” I most certainly did not deserve it.
Even though I was back, I couldn’t devote hundreds of dollars and countless hours to the wedding because I had come home almost broke from paying for my semester in Italy and I had committed to another two years at Calvary Chapel Bible College at a higher tuition cost. I was working as much as I could to save up enough this summer to pay for school in the fall and it was such a challenge to joyfully enter into the wedding festivities because I was too preoccupied with my bills and how I was going to make ends meet.
I wasn’t there for Mel the way a maid of honor is supposed to be. I wasn’t there for Mel the way I wanted to be. She knew it, I knew it, and the other bridesmaids knew it too. Some of them clearly despised me for it, others were more gracious, but regardless I am grateful first and foremost for the way they supported Mel when I couldn’t or wouldn’t, and for the way they helped me by covering much of the costs I was supposed to pay.

Fast forward to yesterday and I don’t think I can say enough how beautiful Mel looked and how special it was to see her marry Jon. They are so perfect together and I was overjoyed to be included in their special day. Not only was the couple beautiful, but the day was too. God blessed the weather and allowed it to be cooler than the forecast had predicted, so while it was hot, it wasn’t an inferno. We had a team of helpers who were there all day setting up chairs and decorations and then tearing down after. The coordinators did a fantastic job and the photographers were amazing. Everything fell perfectly into place and it was one of the most beautiful weddings I have attended.

My only regret was that Mel no longer looked to me for the first opinion about how she looked, she no longer asked me to help her fix her dress, she didn’t want me to bobby pin a stray curl or to hold her bouquet. She didn’t ask because she no longer considered me her closest friend. I wasn’t the one who had stayed up late with her to go over little details, I hadn’t listened to her stresses and comforted her by taking care of the loose ends. I had abandoned her and allowed her to muscle through it without a maid of honor to have her back.
It is something I look back on with the deepest regret and most poignant sorrow.

BUT through it, I learned something.
I learned that I am not as loving as I try to make myself believe, I am not as perfect as I seem, and I am human through and through. 

Which

means 

that

I will make mistakes and let people down. Even the people I love the most. 
If I look back on my conduct through it all, I will just cry so all I can do now is move forward and pray that Mel will forgive me as I set out to show that I do love her. Not just in word, but in deed. I know that I was wrong and that I let her down, but I want to be there for her moving forward as she and Jon step boldly into their marriage and into the new life they have begun together.

Although life isn’t always what it seems, it is important to remember that blue is blue, whatever the shade, and pink roses are just as beautiful as red. When things don’t turn out the way we imagine them, we have to trust that God is in control and He is taking our sinfulness and exchanging it for more of His holiness. And I am so grateful for that because I will be the first to admit that I need more of His holiness today and everyday.